Toilet Paper Tattoos

The saying “you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone” may not have been coined with toilet paper in mind, but it certainly was apt back in early 2020, wasn’t it? Toilet paper plays an integral role in your daily life, and has done so for every single day of your life since you were 3, but you’ve probably never spent a second thinking about it other than to make sure that you have some. Perhaps now, some might even commemorate the pivotal role it played with a toilet paper tattoo.

People have been using all sorts of different items to clean themselves post-defecation for centuries—the Romans liked to use a communal sponge on a stick—but the advent of toilet paper is relatively recent having first appeared in the United States in 1857. Back then toilet paper wasn’t in the distinctive roll we’re so accustomed to, it was basically just a pile of papers on the back of the toilet. I keep this tradition alive at my house with a large pile of Smithsonian, National Geographic History and, of course, Inked magazines, but I’ve adapted to the 1930 invention of the toilet paper role for all of my wiping needs. Less staples that way.

Rarely does an item designed for a specific purpose have as many alternative uses as toilet paper. It’s a bug killing device and a fledgling pyromaniac’s first love. It can be used to stem the bleeding of a razor cut and to pad the toe of a pair of sneakers just a tiny bit too large. It can even be used for embalming dead pharaohs, or at the very least, wrapping up people who want to dress like said dead pharaohs. And we haven’t even gotten started on the many different ways you can repurpose the tube once the roll is finished.

But the most inventive use for toilet paper comes when a gaggle of mischievous youths get their hands on a couple of 24 packs of Charmin and unleash hell upon one of their peers. It’s been decades since I went through that sacred rite of passage and I still long for the joy of watching a roll fly through the air. With a little imagination it looks like a comet careening towards an unsuspecting tree, upon which the tail shall be strung about the branches as the remainder of the roll falls to the ground, only to be picked up and slung again with greater gusto. There’s something beautiful about a tree absolutely dripping with toilet paper gleaming in the moonlight outside a suburban home.

Alas, I couldn’t find a tattoo of a TP’d tree for the following gallery, which means per the Inked employee handbook that I have 365 days to right that wrong and get the tattoo myself. It’s a hard sacrifice to make, but far less onerous a choice than going through life without even a single square to spare, am I right? Enjoy these toilet paper tattoos.