Man Walks into a Tattoo Shop, Takes Off All His Clothes, And Then…This is the Craziest Client Story We’ve Ever Heard

We’ve heard plenty of crazy client stories at INKED, from fans bringing severed heads to celebrity tattoo artists to a slew of penis tattoos. However, what you’re about to read may be the wildest and grossest client story we’ve ever heard. This story comes from an artist named Catfish Doane, who works at Cicada Tattoo in Seattle, Washington. Take a peek at his insane tattoo encounter in the gallery below and let us know your thoughts on this story in the comments section on Facebook.

“So, it’s my second week at Cicada Tattoo and an older guy comes in wanting to get his ass tattooed. I step up to the challenge and he decides on a cherub with a big dick for him and one with big titties for his lady friend. No problem, let me draw it up for you. As I go in the back to draw, he heads to the parking lot to pee even though our bathroom was much closer. Drawing is ready, paperwork is filled out, and we’re ready for the stencil.”

“He takes his pants and skivvies off, and stands ready for shaving. Got the stencil in place and he asks ‘you mind shaving the other cheek? Just to even it out?’ ‘No man, I already tossed the razor. That’s gotta dry for a minute, so I’m going to smoke.’ He decides to come with, but starts heading for the front door in only a shirt that’s just barely long enough and sunglasses.”

“I say ‘Hey man, smoking area is out back. Let’s go there.’ While we’re outside, he suddenly had to run to the bathroom. He comes out a bit later and tells me ‘I had to burn the hair off my other cheek with a lighter just to even it out.’ Okay, let’s get this tattoo going.”

“About halfway through the linework, he needs a break. I go out back to the smoking area and again he runs to the bathroom. I think nothing of it, old guy with a small bladder right?” 

“Back to work until the next break. Now it’s me and Robert (co-worker) outside and we notice poop on one of the stepping stones, but with a handful of grass thrown on top. WTF?”

“Alright, I’ll just finish this and be done with it. I get back inside to do work and now he has taken his shirt off and is completely naked. Somehow, this is less creepy than him Porky Piggin’ it around the shop.”

“I’m back in the zone and close to the finish line, when he says ‘hey man, I’ve got to fart.’ I say, ‘Oh okay, thanks for the…’ and he proceeds to shit himself on the table. It was like he gave birth to a slug. And this little purple rock shot out at the end of it.”

“‘Break time! Go get yourself cleaned up,’ I say and he waddles to the bathroom as I’m staring at a rock sitting on top of a mountain of shit on my massage table. I quickly toss the rock in a rinse cup, clean the table and shitty footprints leading to the bathroom. Then I light some incense and pull myself together.”

“He comes back and says ‘all cleaned up for you,’ and he lays down on a fresh drop cloth. I gave him one courtesy wipe on the cheek and blasted the last few lines in without mercy. Dip & rip!”

“As I slapped a bandage on him, he asked ‘Hey did you happen to find a rock? I would like to have it back.’ I said, ‘Sorry man, I’m not digging through your shit to find it.’ Then I got my money and he headed out the door. Then he came back a few minutes later with a tip for me: a warm bottle of Coke with a koozie from Myrtle Beach.

What do you think about this insane crazy client story? If you’re a tattoo artist, what’s your craziest client story? Share your thoughts, opinions and questions on this story in the comments section on Facebook.