The Hilarious Penis Tattoo That Destroyed a Marriage (UPDATE)

There is more to this story, check the bottom of the page for an update! 

“It all goes back to something my grandmother told me when I was a kid. ‘Holden,’ she said, ‘the big bucks are in dick and fart jokes.'” -Holden McNeil in Chasing Amy.

We’re not saying that his grandmother was wrong and that making dick jokes isn’t financially lucrative, but, sometimes those dick jokes can destroy a relationship. Especially when they are made in the form of a tattoo. Stuart Valentino, a 34-year-old man from Hampshire, UK, learned this lesson the hard way after tattooing a six-and-a-half inch long penis down the side of his left leg. After months of fighting over the X-rated inking Valentino’s wife, Samantha, put an end to their marriage.

Unfortunately we can’t run the picture of the tattoo here. Click this link to get a good look for yourself.

The tattoo was the product of a night filled with too many adult beverages between Valentino and a friend. Using a tattoo machine given to him by his now ex-wife, Valentino tattooed the member onto his own leg. Once the finished product was witnessed his buddy chickened out, a move that may have saved countless future relationships for him. Once Valentino sobered up and began to think about life with the tattoo it didn’t seem to be so hilarious anymore.

“We had just begun taking our three-year-old daughter swimming, and I could no longer get involved because it looked as though my penis was poking out,” Valentino told The Mirror. “We wanted to plan a holiday, but the penis would be sticking out and when I was in boxer shorts it was a constant reminder to Samantha of how stupid I had been.”

OK, first, we think that Valentino might be a little too proud of his tattooing skills with that quote. This isn’t exactly one of the great examples of tattoo realism here. It looks like a crudely drawn cartoon, not an actual penis. That being said, you still don’t want that poking out of your shorts when you hit the pool.

As a rather modest American who has always believed that swim trunks should at least touch the knee I don’t see what the problem is. Just stop wearing ridiculously short shorts, problem solved. Or, oh, I don’t know, get a cover up. Maybe Valentino is as attached to the crude cartoon rendering of his penis as he is the actual thing.

Hopefully one of these days Valentino will be able to channel the romantic notions his last name conjures up and find a way to fix his marriage and put this tattoo debacle in the past.

UPDATE: After some soul searching, and a hell of a lot of pain at the business end of a laser, Valentino has had the tattoo removed, according to The Mirror.We’re happy to see that he decided that the prank wasn’t worth breaking up his family for because, honestly, it just wasn’t that funny. Maybe if the tattoo was photo-realistic we would have urged him to keep it and laughed a little harder. Or if the tattoo was of a scrap of food on the side of his mouth that people would constantly try and wipe off… that’s the kind of tattoo prank you go to battle over! Not this one. “It was bloody painful but worth it,” Valentino told The Sun. There is still no word on whether or not Samantha has decided to take him back, but we’ve got our fingers crossed for him.