Choose Your Superhero House

Unless you’ve been living in a desolated cabin cut off from the outside world for the last month, you’ve seen 10,000 variations of the “Choose your house” meme. As most of us are on lockdown with our families/roommates/significant others, we’ve probably all developed some pretty strong opinions about the types of people that we would want to spend this time with. So why not figure out which house of heroes you’d like to crash with? 

National Superhero Day is on April 28 and in its honor we threw this together. Now, here are the parameters. 

1. This is purely based on living in the house, Real World style. So think about the personalities of the hero way more than each heroes abilities. 

2. There will be no villains or foes. You’re just spending time fighting over Netflix and rationing TP while under the current lockdown. 

3. We stuck strictly to the DC and Marvel universes. It just seemed easier than opening things up even broader. 

4. Each house has a theme in addition to the personalities clashing. 

5. Make sure to let us know who which house you’ve chosen on social media. Have fun!

Chaos House

This house is likely going to be our most unpredictable. We start off with two strong-willed women who can be heroic… if they feel like it. Both Mystique (tattoo by Eric Machado) and Catwoman (tattoo by Ross Irvin) have the capacity to wreak havoc upon the other residents. 

When it comes to the men in the house, we have the Earth boy who got lost in space, Star Lord (tattoo by Carlos Rojas), and the space boy who got stuck on Earth, Superman (tattoo by Maxi Pain). Superman is likely to be the goodie-two-shoes of the household. Mr. Quill, on the other hand, will probably get in trouble chasing after one of the women. 

There will never be a dull moment in House Chaos. 

Spider House With a (Dead) Pool in Back

This house is guaranteed to have a ton of cobwebs all over the place, so you might not want to live here if you’re a neat freak. We’ve got Peter Parker’s Spiderman (tattoo by Luka Lajoie), Miles Morales’s Spiderman (tattoo by Zack Kinder), Spider Girl (tattoo by Kajaa) and Deadpool (tattoo by Chris Jones). Mr. Pool is likely to be out of his frickin’ mind with two Spidermen in the house given his undying love for the friendly neighborhood superhero. Which means that Wade is probably going to annoy the bejeezus out of everybody else. And, given what we’ve seen in the past, he’s not the best roommate. Things will get weird. 

Basically, you have to ask yourself, “Do I want three really great roomies and one certified psychopath?” 

The Furious House of Deities

This house is, simply put, just a bunch of gods and one bad motherfucker. We’ve got Thor (tattoo by Peter Hilgers), Aquaman (tattoo by Peter Hilgers), Wonder Woman (tattoo by Sarah Miller) and Nick Fury (tattoo by Nikko Hurtado). This is probably the most cohesive house of them all. There will probably be some alpha male bro-downs between Aquaman and Thor, but Wonder Woman should be able to shut them down if things get too crazy. Nick Fury will likely be scheming and manipulating everybody to do his bidding, but in the end he’s just one mortal with crappy depth perception. 

The most obvious drawback would be Aquaman hogging the bathroom and spending way too much time in the tub. But the upside would be Fury yelling, “I’m sick and tired of this motherfucking fish man in the motherfucking tub!”

The Orphanage

What happens when you take a super rich orphan, a lawyer orphan, a playboy orphan and a genetically altered raccoon-like creature who probably doesn’t have parents and throw them into a house with a sentient tree who has limited vocabulistics? You get The Orphanage. 

In this house you’ll find Batman (tattoo by Paul Tochluk), Daredevil (tattoo by Vladislav Shetikov), Iron Man (tattoo by Camilo Camargo) and the duo of Rocket and Groot (tattoo by Audie Fulfer Jr.). There are a lot of bonuses to living here—the house is likely enormous and decked out thanks to the bank accounts of Wayne and Stark, you’ll have a lawyer on call if you ever need one and it has some very unique landscaping. 

On the other hand, the bickering between Stark and Wayne would be epic, Matt Murdock is going to hear every single thing that happens in the house and Rocket is likely to do something terrible to you, especially is you have a prosthetic limb of any sort. No thank you. 

House Wild Card

There’s nothing over the top about this house—like having to live with Deadpool—but there’s likely to be a simmering uncomfortableness. Constantly. 

You have the boy scouts of the house, Captain America (tattoo by Jordan Baker) and The Flash (Steve Chater). Then you have Wolverine (tattoo by Oash Rodriguez) and Natasha Romanoff (tattoo by David Corden), the two people with, how should we put this, less scruples? 

This house is a tinderbox about to explode. Who wants to bet it’s one of Logan’s cigars that starts the conflagration? 

House Smash

You have to live with Gladiator Hulk (tattoo by Chris Jones). That’s it, just him. No other roommates. Just you and an enormous rage monster with nearly infinite strength. To be clear, you’re not living with Bruce Banner. There is no more Bruce. Only Hulk. 

Good luck.