Stormtrooper Tattoos

Imagine being absolutely terrible at your job. Just a complete shambles. You only have one or two skills necessary to excel at your profession and yet you are completely unable to do those with even a modicum of proficiency. Despite your obvious inadequacy you do not lose your job, nor do any of your coworkers who are equally inept. Congratulations, you’re an Imperial stormtrooper.

Almost from the release of 1977’s “Star Wars” it has been an open joke that stormtroopers are godawful soldiers. They simply cannot do their job. Sure, they look pretty cool and at least a little intimidating, but the next time you see one hit a target with their blaster will be the first time. The only time we ever see stormtroopers actually overpower some foes is because they’re fighting these ill-prepared, geriatric bozos.

Every other time we see stormtroopers in action throughout all nine films in the saga they are firing their blasters at least 15 feet away from their target and/or letting out a Wilhelm Scream as they fall to their death.

Notwithstanding their poor job skills, stormtroopers are beloved by Star Wars fans (myself included). The appeal, at least to me, is almost completely aesthetic. The OG stormtroopers look like they would be a formidable fighting force. They’re covered in armor (unlike the senior squad seen above) and have truly badass helmets. Clearly they would make for great looking tattoos.

When you move on from the OG troopers, each specialized version of them looks way cooler than the next. My very favorite action figure was the biker scout stormtrooper. We first see them in “Return of the Jedi” as they pursue Luke and Leia on speederbikes, and my young brain was blown by how cool they looked. Sure, they were slightly more skilled than the average stormtrooper (they could ride bikes) and they had way cooler looking blasters (essentially pistols) but they were not any better at their job.

It all really makes you wonder how the Empire was able to take over the entire galaxy in the first place. They had already conquered the galaxy by the time they build the Death Star which—with the exception of the two Sith fellas in charge—is the only actually scary thing the Empire has going for them. Although, in fairness, I wouldn’t consider a member of the Coast Guard to be a particularly formidable opponent either, but they are part of the United States military. Maybe there were a bunch of scary Imperials that just didn’t work their way into the films. Or maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t take my pop culture so damn seriously and just enjoy how much fun I have watching stormtroopers get slaughtered wholesale.

So while an Imperial stormtrooper will very rarely hit the mark with their blaster, all of these stormtrooper tattoos are bullseyes.