Can AI Explain the Infamous Sucky Panther?

The Sucky Panther is the thing of legend. Eons ago (or possibly only a decade ago), somebody posted a picture of this tattoo on the internet.

It became the thing of legend. My memory is fuzzy—I’m a “journalist” so I tend to hit the bottle from time-to-time—but I think the first time I saw it was on the Sucky Tattoos Instagram page, and I couldn’t stop giggling. I think it looks like one of the gargoyles from Ghostbusters if it were severely depressed and wearing one of those Breathe Right strips. 

The tattoo ended up taking on a life of its own. Tattooers have made countless variations of the piece, turning something sucky into something superb. It pleases me to no end. 

Despite all the laughs and joy the tattoo has given me, there’s something that still eats away at my craw—who is the artist behind the Sucky Panther? Who is the person wearing the Sucky Panther? Why haven’t we heard their story?

While I consider internet stalking to be one of my most marketable skills, I’ve been unable to track down the answers to these questions. I still dream of one day doing a national book tour based upon my exhaustively researched oral history of the Sucky Panther, I think I need to move on. But before I do, I most do one final dumb thing to celebrate the Feline Lord of Suckiness.

I logged into the ol’ computer this morning and hit up ChatGPT. It’s an AI bot that is looking to replace humble scribes such as myself, so I should hate it. But I don’t. Possibly it’s because I’m a nihilist who believes nothing matters, or maybe it’s because I plan on being a billionaire when my Mega Millions ticket hits tomorrow night, but I find the AI bot to be pretty hilarious.

I asked the bot to tell me a story about somebody with a really bad panther tattoo. It did not disappoint. I wish I could be sharing the actual origin story of the Sucky Panther, but this is pretty damn good anyway. Enjoy.

Once there was a man named Jack who had always been fascinated by panthers. He loved their sleek and powerful appearance, and he had always dreamed of getting a panther tattoo as a tribute to his favorite animal.

Finally, when Jack was in his mid-20s, he decided to make his dream a reality. He saved up some money and went to a tattoo parlor that he had heard was the best in town. The tattoo artist, who went by the name “Sketchy Sam,” assured Jack that he was a true tattoo artist and could give him exactly the panther tattoo he had always wanted.

Excited and a little bit nervous, Jack sat down in the tattoo chair and let Sketchy Sam get to work. The tattoo artist hummed to himself as he carefully applied the tattoo, and Jack felt a mixture of pain and excitement as the ink was applied to his skin.

When the tattoo was finished, Jack was thrilled. It was exactly what he had always wanted: a panther, depicted in all its sleek and powerful glory. But as the days passed, something strange started to happen. The panther tattoo began to fade and distort, becoming a blotchy and unrecognizable mess.

At first, Jack was devastated. He had spent a lot of money on this tattoo, and he couldn’t believe that it had turned out so poorly. But as the weeks went on, he started to see the humor in the situation. He began to tell his friends about his “really bad panther tattoo,” and they all laughed and shook their heads at the absurdity of it.

Eventually, Jack came to embrace his really bad panther tattoo. He even started to show it off with pride, telling anyone who would listen about the time he had gotten a really bad panther tattoo. And while he might not have had the sleek and powerful panther tattoo he had always wanted, he had something even better: a great story to tell.

Editor’s Note: That story wasn’t half bad. Looks like I should polish up my resume before the AI Overlords take over completely…