Snowman Tattoos

Let’s build a snowman! But, you know, inside. And without having to wait for snow to fall. And without the sadness that is the melting of our beautiful creation. And without having to run outside and stop a stray dog from turning the snowman yellow by …. you know what? Let’s just get a snowman tattoo instead!

I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area, which is one way of saying that I never built a snowman when I was a kid. The only exception was when there was some snow up on top of Mt. Diablo and we drove up to go play in it. It was fun and exciting! But even an 8 year old from California understood that two measly inches of snow isn’t enough to build a snowman with. It was wicked good for throwing though…

I digress… the point I’m trying to make is that I always felt like I was missing out on something when I never had a chance to build a snowman. Then, when I was 15, we moved to Illinois and it was a frozen hellscape. I quickly learned that yeah, snowmen are cool, but goddamn does it suck to build one.

First, the snow has to be in that Goldilocks Zone to even work—not too wet, not too dry, not too icy. Secondly, you need to have a shitload of snow to be able to make a snowman worth anything. Thirdly, you’re going to be rolling all that snow around on your hands and knees for hours in order, which if you don’t have a fancy snowsuit, is going to give you hypothermia (or at least feel like it’s going to). I have at least 100 other things I find distasteful about building a snowman, but I don’t want to load this up with nothing but negativity. I just personally despise making snowmen…

Except for that one time I stuck it out and actually powered through. That snowman was epic. For two days… then it melted into nothing. Gone. And my heart was broken.

Why would I build a snowman when I can get a snowman tattoo? Sure, it’ll hurt in the moment, but it’s not going away. I thought that my heart would grow to three times its size as I reminisced about snowmen, but no. It’s the same cold, black lump of coal it’s always been. Just the way I like it. Here are some snowman tattoos. Enjoy them. Happy holidays.